{"id":7384,"date":"2011-03-25T12:30:51","date_gmt":"2011-03-25T17:30:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.robertlpeters.com\/news\/?p=7384"},"modified":"2011-03-25T12:30:51","modified_gmt":"2011-03-25T17:30:51","slug":"global-security-levels-raised","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/global-security-levels-raised\/","title":{"rendered":"Global Threat Levels Raised!"},"content":{"rendered":"

Worldwide Alerts<\/em><\/p>\n

With the intent of sharing a bit of bile humour, yet with the attendant and inevitable risk of offending some (I apologize in advance), here’s a piece attributed to John Cleese<\/a>, sent to me by designer friend Lorna Williams:<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from \u201cMiffed\u201d to \u201cPeeved.\u201d Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to \u201cIrritated\u201d or even \u201cA Bit Cross.\u201d The English have not been \u201cA Bit Cross\u201d since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from \u201cTiresome\u201d to \u201cA Bloody Nuisance.\u201d The last time the British issued a \u201cBloody Nuisance\u201d warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.<\/p>\n

The Scots have raised their threat level from \u201cPissed Off\u201d to \u201cLet\u2019s get the Bastards.\u201d They don\u2019t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.<\/p>\n

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from \u201cRun\u201d to \u201cHide.\u201d The only two higher levels in France are \u201cCollaborate\u201d and \u201cSurrender.\u201d The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country\u2019s military capability.<\/p>\n

Italy has increased the alert level from \u201cShout Loudly and Excitedly\u201d to \u201cElaborate Military Posturing.\u201d Two more levels remain: \u201cIneffective Combat Operations\u201d and \u201cChange Sides.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Germans have increased their alert state from \u201cDisdainful Arrogance\u201d to \u201cDress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.\u201d They also have two higher levels: \u201cInvade a Neighbor\u201d and \u201cLose.\u201d<\/p>\n

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.<\/p>\n

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.<\/p>\n

Americans, as usual, are carrying out preemptive strikes on all of their allies \u201cjust in case.\u201d<\/p>\n

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from \u201cNo worries\u201d to \u201cShe\u2019ll be alright, Mate.\u201d Two more escalation levels remain: \u201cCrikey! I think we\u2019ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!\u201d and \u201cThe barbie is canceled.\u201d So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.<\/p>\n

And finally\u2026 Canada is at the “That’s not nice and please stop” threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to never raise the level any higher so not to offend the terrorists.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Worldwide Alerts With the intent of sharing a bit of bile humour, yet with the attendant and inevitable risk of offending some (I apologize in advance), here’s a piece attributed to John Cleese, sent to me by designer friend Lorna Williams: The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2,5,7,8],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7384"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7384"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7384\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7384"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7384"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/robertlpeters.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7384"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}